A Second Child After a Traumatic Birth

I wrote a blog post a while back about traumatic birth. That triggered a few questions so I thought I would follow them up with another blog post since they all seemed to have a similar theme or be asked more than once.

The most popular was: why did you have

more? Well simple, I wasn’t done having kids. Sure the trauma from birth really made the decision to try for another hard. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting atleast one more. I originally wanted 3 children. But we decided 2 was best.

The second most asked question: how did you get over the fear and anxiety from the birth trauma? Well this is harder to explain, because I never really did. But I’ll go over my emotions so you can see your not alone if you are indecisive. Firstly my desire to have another took over. I wanted another child so badly I temporarily forgot to be scared. It sounds crazy but that’s the best way to explain it. Once I received the positive pregnancy test. I cried of joy but also fear. I cried in the shower that day begging god for my life during delivery, since I almost lost it the first time. I don’t think I have ever begged for my life in such a fear struck way. A time I should be over joyed I almost couldn’t be. After talking with my doctor we decided a planned c section was safest. So we moved in that direction. (My first was an emergency c section) I met with the surgeon and we made a plan. He also was very reassuring and made me feel confident that he would prevent all complications (I know things can’t always be controlled, but he is so comforting).

About half way through the pregnancy fear struck again. I didn’t want to have this baby. Because I was scared to leave my husband a widow with a toddler and newborn. Honestly as awful as that is that was my thought. I actually wrote out and hid letters to my children incase I didn’t make it. Here’s a little bit from the one I wrote Benny “I may not have ever had the chance to hold you in my arms, but a piece of me will forever live on inside you. You are such a beautiful gift to the world. I don’t want you to ever think my passing was your fault. I wanted you more than you can ever imagine and it was an honour to carry you. Being your mother will always be the best thing that has happened to me.” I just wanted them to know I loved them if they didn’t remember me. It was a rough month, but I had expressed my big fears and anxiety to my doctor and surgeon and again they lifted the fear and assured me I was in good hands. I truly was!

I honestly was carried the rest of the way on their reassurance and anxiety didn’t kick in until they took me into the OR to start the c section. I started to panic, I cried and wouldn’t let them prep me. I sat in the OR table holding a nurses hand for 30 mins and she was the sweetest. Anytime they asked if I was ready and I said no she supported me and didn’t rush me. She must have sensed that there was trauma or fear behind all this.

Once I finally let them prep me I was all ready to go and as they brought my husband in I started to panic again. My breathing and heart rate excelled so I asked for help. They allowed me to have some anxiety medications (baby safe) because they couldn’t start until I calmed down. Thankfully it kicked in quickly and once I saw his sweet face I was overwhelmed with love I couldn’t think of fear. So the journey to holding him was rocky. And I honestly never “got over it” and I don’t expect any mom with birth trauma too. So if you have or do feel anything I described it’s okay. And completely normal even my doctors said they would be worried if I wasn’t nervous.

I think that covers the questions I have gotten. But even now, I have had my second and he’s coming up on two. The trauma stays, it’s a part of my motherhood journey. It’s how I became a mom. It won’t ever leave me. Because if it did that means I forgot one of the most beautiful days of my life, the day my daughter was born. So as traumatic as it was I don’t want to forget. The anxiety doesn’t own me anymore as we are done having children. But I’m still healing emotionally. And that’s okay. We all need time!