Mom struggles that lead to mom guilt

As a mom I’m sure we all struggle. We have so many tasks put on our plate daily and to get to the “extras” is nearly impossible. I always have a to do list, and it’s never getting smaller only larger. Before I had kids I could always get to a couple things a week. Now I’m lucky to check off one. I had so many ideas and plans and lots had to change or be refocused.

I didn’t breastfeed my children, because I didn’t product breast milk. This will always sit with me because I wanted nothing more than to be able to have that bond. Instant mom guilt for me. Right after I had Marie she was maybe a week old I thought to myself “ if I can’t even produce breast milk I wasn’t meant to be a mom, she deserves better.” Which is simply not true. She thrived! She obviously had formula and she hit all her milestones and surpassed a few. But that little bit of guilt stayed in the back of my head every time I made a bottle or someone watched me in public pull it out. I thought they were judging me instantly. Some probably were, but now I bet most just wanted to get a look at a cute little baby.

We cosleep with our babies. Since day one. Mom guilt for that too. Even though I loved being so close. I felt bad for my husband since they often disturbed him. And I think it’s mostly the judgement I feared from people who don’t agree with it. But again I don’t no why their opinions mattered so much. I’m doing what fits my life and they can do what fits theirs. I know medically it’s frowned upon. I have heard enough from doctors, but my kids are well and we never had an issue with our experience. Again I’m not promoting it. It’s just something we have done.

When Benny was born my thought was I would have “dates” with each kid. This would give the alone time with each to spend and cherish. Then came the colic. Benny’s colic derailed that plan. He often wouldn’t settle for anyone but me. So I had to postpone those “dates” because he just needed to be comforted and we tried to make him as happy as we could. Cue mom guilt. I then felt so bad like I put Marie to the side. That was never my intention. It was more of our survival plan. We needed to survive colic. And sadly that meant we had to wait for those alone moments with each kid.

Once Benny could sit up on his own, he was about 3 months old. I basically took that opportunity to try and create a routine to feel more normal in my days. So I would set him down to play and fold a load of laundry or whatever was needed at the time. Cue mom guilt. Now I feared he didn’t get enough attention from me like I had given Marie as a baby since she was my only child at the time she had me 24/7. No sharing. I felt like a terrible mom splitting my time and never giving Benny the full attention Marie had, but also Marie having to adjust to not having me all to herself. I broke down. I felt like I couldn’t please either child.

Once Benny’s colic passed (at 5.5 months) I started to add in a little me time to refresh. I literally spent 5.5 months barely sleeping and ALWAYS holding a baby since it’s the only time he wouldn’t cry. And after that much crying you’ll do anything for a little peace and quiet. I felt bad taking time for me. I didn’t do anything fancy. I literally would just take 30-40 mins and have a bath and read a book. Maybe once a month. So it’s not like I even did it frequently. And I still felt guilty. I was emotionally exhausted, and then coming to that realization it was because of my kids.... I broke again. How can I be a good mom when my kids make me exhausted.

Honestly if I wasn’t a mom hearing these things I might have thrown some judgement thinking you might not be the best. But being a mom I know it’s simply not true. The fear I have admitting this is coming from a place I know I was at before kids. I swore I wouldn’t ever need a break from them, I would always want to be with them every second. And yes maybe as a newborn I was so in love with this new human. But eventually you need to recharge too. So any moms who are or have felt this. DO NOT FEEL BAD. These emotions are normal and a roller coaster.

I’m a stay at home mom. So I rarely leave without my kids. My husband does long hours. He leaves before we are awake, and he gets home an hour before bedtime. And I honestly go to bed when my kids do. Mostly since I’m so exhausted. I feel guilty for not spending the same amount of time with my husband I used to. Marie was a dream when it came to sleep. She just slept ALL the time. She’s still amazing! She will sleep 12 hours at night and nap 2-3 hours during the day. Benny has never been great. So I just adapted. My intentions have never been to put anyone on the back burner. I feel guilty even with thinking someone may feel that way. Once Benny hit about 8 months is the first time I actually went out with a friend for wine. I hadn’t left the house without my kids...

My house isn’t always spotless, my meals aren’t always home cooked, my laundry isn’t always folded (I type this as I have 3 loads sitting to be put away), my car is never clean, my clothes may or may not have a stain from sticky kid fingers, but I’m honestly the happiest I have ever been. I have these huge waves of guilt hit me like a hurricane. But I do my best to work through to see why I’m feeling the guilt. I have to say after I think about them. 99% is because I fear someone on the outside looking in who doesn’t even know me may think I’m a bad mom. They may see my moment of weakness, the one time I let things slide and yell or let them watch too much tv.

Why are you out with a friend when you should be putting your kids to bed? Why do you only have one child with you? Why is your house a mess? Why did you just give your child pizza? Why are you tired? They are supposed to be the biggest blessing your acting like they are a burden. Those are the comments I fear, and I have no clue why thinking about it now. If you don’t know me, you can’t possibly see how much I love my kids. That I would move the earth if they asked me too. I know opinions of others shouldn’t matter but we are raised seeking approval. From parents, teachers and coaches. So I guess that “need for approval” sticks with you.

That fear triggers the guilt when you are at your lowest and most emotionally drained time. Your thoughts create that snow ball effect. Sometimes we need to just take a step back and ask why are we feeling this mom guilt?