My Birth Trauma Becoming a Mom

Birth trauma

Something that happens but isn’t often talked about prior to delivery. I feel we need to bring more awareness to it.

My daughter’s (first child) birth was a traumatic one for me. My first pregnancy and I was so nervous about delivery. I was so cautious during my pregnancy. I followed all medical advice and precautions. I asked tones of questions and got so many answers. But it still happened to me. And it was something far out of my control.

My due date had come and gone. So we started to set up an induction date. I hit 41 weeks and we decided induction was the best route. I knew this raised my chances for c section and complications. But I wanted to be induced to still try for a natural birth.

My body took induction well but hard. I went into labour and was responding well. The issue was my baby wasn’t dropping into my pelvis where she needed to be to keep things progressing. We kept trying. 36 hours later my body was exhausted and I couldn’t do it anymore. I had already gotten an epidural at 18 hours in. So the doctors next advice was a c section to prevent the baby’s stats from dropping.

So that was it we prepped for the c section. I remember not even having enough time to be scared. I signed papers and was wheeled into the OR. My husband was thankfully allowed to join me. I would have hated for him to miss the birth of our first child.

I wasn’t fully numb before they cut, I remember the pain and yelling and then the anesthesiologist saying he needed to give me more. I was going in and out of consciousness. I woke up when they had started to pull my baby out. I felt pulling and ripping and heard them all say the baby was very big. Probably why she wouldn’t drop into position. After she was out the surgeon noticed a bleed, but had issues locating it.

I have no clue how long I was bleeding before they repaired it. But I lost 40% of my blood and that lead to further complications. On the OR table they were matching my blood type to a donor. It was then I realized things weren’t good. I blacked out again. I woke up to the cloth count. If you have seen a medical show you know this is when they shove cloths in the body to soak up blood. 19 was my total.

Not to mention a majority of this my husband stood slightly at my side holding my hand while doctors tried not to panic him about my condition. Typically they ask them to leave but for some reason they knew I needed to see him as I went in and out of consciousness.

Nothing was really said about my condition. They stopped the bleed stapled me up and let me meet my baby. Just a few short hours later I was being transferred to the ICU undergoing treatments and testing. I was stripped of my baby and in that moment lost all reason to fight to get better. I cried yelled and refused treatments from nurses who honestly were so kind, even though I was not. I hated everyone and everything. I was told future children might not be a great idea. But we would deal with that later. Breastfeeding wasn’t possible as the treatments I needed stopped my body from production. Everything I wanted for my birth derailed and wasn’t possible.

I had been diagnosed with sepsis and pneumonia. The combination of those was awful. I had also almost suffered a heart attack which lead to being on a heart monitor for days and a tube in my nose pumping my stomach. I was denied food due to my condition, refused visitation and it really was just awful for a first time mom.

I missed her first bath, first diaper change, first feeding and so much more. In the end I am thankful for a beautiful healthy little girl.

Birth trauma is a really hard topic. Birth is often described as beautiful, and a positive experience. But unfortunately for me my first wasn’t. And I want you to know that if you experienced birth trauma it’s ok to not love your birth. It’s ok to be upset. I felt robbed, and like I wasn’t good enough to even birth a child. How could I be a good mom if I couldn’t even birth a child “properly” so many thoughts filled my head. And that’s normal and ok. I wanted to let you in on where my head was at so you can see your not alone. It is definitely a process to work through all the emotions that came with it. It take time to heal and move forward. But just know your not alone. I am always up to chat, having someone to talk to is key to working out your feelings. Especially someone who can understand those feelings too.